AURA FACTION: Through the Non-Canon Glass / NONCANON #5 – JOANNA V. Zombie

WARNING: The following written material that you’re about to read may contain strong language. This is meant only for MATURE AUDIENCES. Reader Discretion is advised.

It was one usual night for the Turner Express as in the back, Kati was doing some ideas for new drinks for them and sometimes, she uses Kai and Sheena as taste subjects.
“Hmmmm….” Kai said as she tried a drink called the Cherry Bomb, “This one has the right amount of sweetness and alcohol in it.”
“Alright…..but are you still seeing clearly?” Kati said, “Any blurry things or getting tipsy?”
“Well, I only had about……..4 of these and…” Kai said, “I’m starting to get there.”

As for Sheena, she was tasting something called Red Rum, “This is bitter as fuck with this drink!!! What’s in this one again?”
Kati then takes a sip, “Rum, a bit of tonic, coconut, and red food coloring…. wait, who made that one? I know that wasn’t from me.”
“COCONUT!?” Sheena said, “Oh god!!” She immediately spits it out.
“OH SHIT!” Kai said, “Are you allergic?”
“No!” Sheena said, “But I just really hate the taste of coconut! It’s just so nasty…..also Joanna is allergic and I don’t want to get her messed up on that. One hint of that on her and she swells up quick! I’m going to need mouthwash now.”
“I guess I’ll put an allergic warning on that.” Kati said, “It’s been over 3 months and we still haven’t came up with a new drink for the bar. I mean, I think people are starting to wise up on the Zombie. Like they wouldn’t try it anymore.”
“Maybe it’s because you made a drink that fucks up physically, mentally, and emotionally.” Sheena said.
“Not to mention you try to get my mom to drink those……more than once by the way.” Kai said.
“And she still needs to try it but NO!!!!! You always got to stop me from doing it.” Kati said.

“YOU’RE NOT GETTING MY MOM DRUNK FROM THAT SHIT!” Kai said, “I had to take the bullet for that shit before. I think I lost most of my body fluids from vomiting.”
“Hey, your dad did OK on it.” Kati said.
“Hungover and puked. On my mom.” Kai said. “I’m just saying maybe make a drink that doesn’t always fuck them up afterwards. I mean, yeah, get them drunk but not ungodly death-keeled-over drunk.”

“Yeah…..but you’re a lightweight, Kai.” Kati said, “At least when it comes to hard drinks.”
“WHAT!?!” Kai said.
“She got a point.” Sheena said, “One time you got one shot of bourbon and you went down fast.”
“It was my first time drinking that!!” Kai said, “And don’t you talk down to me!! Remember when you choke down that vodka and you spazzed out then?!”
“YOU DARED ME THAT TIME!!” Sheena said. “And that was at that party a few years back!”

Kati had to slap both of them.
“OK, both of you are lightweights!! Sheena, you’re no better either on bourbon anyway.”
“Because I said to you I don’t LIKE BOURBON!” Sheena said. “I don’t like the taste of it.”
“Well, that’s your problem.” Kati said, “…..wimp.”
“And you couldn’t handle the zombie the first time you tried it.” Kati said, “You cried and rolled around the ground, spazzing out and thought you were seeing a unicorn fainting.”
“I DID SEE ONE!!” Sheena said. “Or at least someone that was part unicorn.”
“If you did, it was probably my friend Kelly.” Kati said, “I gave it to her and she had a different reaction to it….still took it better than you.”

“OK, OK, OK….” Kai said, “We get it! We can’t handle that monster of a fucking drink you made.”
“I know MAK can actually handle that drink.” Kati said, “One night when he was waiting for you, I dared him to drink it and….he took it like a champ.”
“I think he also ate before he drank that thing.” Sheena said. “Mainly some nachos or something.”
Then suddenly they heard someone calling for them.

“HELLO! Is anyone here?” That person was actually Joanna.
“Sheena, you here?”

“Joanna?” Sheena said, “We’re in here!”
Joanna came in there with them.
“So….what have y’all been doing all day?” Joanna asked.
“Drinking.” Kati said, “Talking about drinking while drinking.” Then Kati thought of an idea….a very sinister idea. “Joanna, have you ever had something called…..the Zombie?”
Sheena’s eyes widened big.
“Oh no…….”

“I heard of it before.” Joanna said, “Mainly from Sheena as she kept describing it as if the devil had a colon cleanser and this would be it and it would hurt like hell.”
“Ouch.” Kati said.
“Yes, I have heard of it.” Joanna said, “Why do you ask?”

“KATI, NO!” Sheena said, “You are not giving her that damn thing!!!”
“Aw, why not?”
“YOU KNOW WHY NOT!” Sheena said, “This drink fucks up like molly and percocet, I hear flutes playing while drinking that monstrosity.”
“Isn’t that the radio?” Joanna said, “Or one of MAK’s playlists in his computer?”
“Wait, he has that song on there?” Sheena said. “And he gives me shit for my taste?”

Meanwhile, Kati mixes up the drink and has it ready for Joanna.
“And voila!!” Kati exclaimed.
“Voila nothing.” Sheena said as she was about to take the drink away and shove it to the side.
“Come on, Sheena, she might like it.” Kati said, “MAK did.”
“He’s half hybrid. She’s full human!” Sheena said, “Even Nanashi passed out on this.”
“Come on, Joanna.” Kati said, “It can be good. Kai takes it well.”

“WHAT!?” Kai said, “I drank those motherfuckers because you try to force-feed it to my mom!! I was sick as a dog from that.”
“You love it.” Kati said.
“The hell I do!!” Kai screamed.
“Drink up!” She pours some Zombie into Kai’s mouth and she had to cough it up, trying to breathe.

“AAAHH!!! What the fuck?!” Kai shouted. “I think that went into my nose. Damn.”
She kept coughing from the high alcohol levels of that.

Joanna took one look at the big mug of what is to come.
“So…I have eaten before coming here.” Joanna said, “So I’ll be fine?”
“It means you have something in your stomach to absorb the alcohol.” Kati said, “AKA the shit they don’t do.”

“Well…..OK then.” Joanna said, “Bottoms up.”
She grabbed the drink and then she guzzled it down, all the way to the last drop.

“DAMN!” Kai said, “You didn’t even took time for air.”
“I was kinda thirsty.” Joanna said. “And…..OK…..this is definitely something with a lot of bite.”
She burps out loud with the alcohol smell and all.

“Well…’re not spazzing. Or dying.” Sheena said. “And at least you weren’t screaming when that coconut incident happened.”
“Oh, god, don’t remind me of that.” Joanna said, “I’m just glad you didn’t go down on me that night. I would’ve been in major….” As she got up, she felt dizzy and disillusioned that she needed to sit down.

“Whoa…..oh damn.” Joanna said, “Um…..OK. I guess I must needed to just sit down some more then, huh?”

“Well, yeah.” Kati said, “You just gulped that damn thing. You need to sit down and possibly call you a cab or PASNGER to drop you and Sheena home.”
“Yeah, maybe I–” Before Joanna can finish her sentence, she sees Kati in her penguin form, “Kati, why are you in your penguin form?”
But instead of Kati actually talking, she was making random penguin noises.
“Kati? Um…you alright?”
But she sees Kati slapping her with her flippers.

However, Kati wasn’t actually doing that. Joanna was actually hallucinating from the drink.
“AAHH! Stop trying to smother me! I get you’re a huggy one.”

The rest were looking weird at her.
“The fuck is she talking about?” Kati said.
“I think she might be seeing shit.” Kai said.
“OH NO!” Sheena said, “JOANNA! JO-JO!”

“Huh?” Joanna said, “Oh……Sheena…. I think Kati has gone feral or something.”
“Um, no, that’s not it.” Sheena said, “I told you that drink was going to fuck you up one way or another.”
“What? Sheena……wait, are you naked right now?” Joanna yelled.
“WHAT!?! NO!” Sheena said, “I got clothes on right now!! If I was naked, I’d be at home right now!!”

“OH FUCK, AM I NAKED!?” Joanna said.
“NO, YOU’RE NOT!” Kai said, “You’re right here at the Turner Express!! With me, Sheena and Kati!!”

“Is Kai here, too?” Joanna said, “What the hell is going on and…..WHY IS SHE A CAT WOMAN!?”
Joanna sees Kai looking like a cat-girl.
“Ah, what?!” Kai said, “Kati, what the hell you put in that damn drink?”
“The usual.” Kati said, “Some 151, light rum, dark rum, spiced rum, brandy, a splash of pineapple and orange juice! That’s it.”

They look and see some other thing that was blue and glowing on the shelf.
“Wait…..” Sheena spied something there. “What’s that on the shelf?”
“The Blue Curacao?” Kati said, “Yeah, MAK special-ordered that for me on my birthday. He said that it was a good brand and sometimes I add it to give it some color. I haven’t used this on paying customers yet though.”

They took a look at it what’s in the bottle.
“OK, alcohol, blue, yadda yadda….wait…..Cerulean!?” Sheena said, “That’s the shit that in stuff?”
“Cerulean?” Kati said, “But that’s a color.”
“Yeah, but that’s also a certain type of alcohol that gets people extra fucked up!” Sheena said, “Wait….is that why Joanna is like this?”

“EVERYTHING IS CORN!” Joanna shouted.

“O……..K………” Kati said.
“Oh great.” Sheena said, “I knew this was going to be a bad idea.”
“Well, call MAK about it. He’s the one that give it to me!” Kati said.


Back at the apartment, MAK was dozing off until his phone rings.
“Hello?” MAK said.
“Hey, um, MAK?” Kati said.
“Yeah, Kati?” he said.
“Remember that blue curacao you ordered me on my birthday?”
“Yeah, you still enjoyed that?” MAK said.
“Well, um……did you look at what was in there?” Kati said, “Or who did you get it from?”
“Oh yeah, remember that guy Mystic?” MAK said. “He keeps a special brew of Hybrid alcohol and alcohol-related products in there.”
“Hybrid alcohol?” Kati said, “Oooh……that’s why Blue Leaf was in there.”
“Yeah.” MAK said, “I figure you get some of that as long as you didn’t give any to non-Hybrids.”
“Well…….” Kati said, in a very uneasy way.
“The hell did you do?” MAK said.


5 minutes after Kati is explaining MAK to everything, he swiftly got to the Express.
“I don’t believe this shit.” MAK got in there to check up on Joanna. “Not only you give Joanna that damn Zombie, you gave her the Cerulean with it.”
“How the hell was I supposed to know that?” Kati said.
“Be lucky you didn’t give her a large amount of that.” MAK said, “Since you added a little bit of it, she’ll eventually calm down and crash.”

They went into the back and see that Joanna is swinging from the ceiling fan while Kai and Sheena are trying to control her down.
“AAAH!!! You’ll never take me alive!!!” Joanna shouted. “I’m free like the eagle!”
Then sees MAK and Kati come in.
“It’s you!” Joanna yelled and jumped on MAK but he had to hold her down.
“OW! HEY! The hell!?” he yelled, “The hell happened here?”

“Apparently the gift you got for Kati is mainly Hybrid Lean.” Kai said.
“LEAN!?” Sheena said. “Wait…..cough syrup and….You gave my girlfriend lean!? As in, shit that makes you slur and might kill you?”
“It’s not like regular lean!” MAK said, “It’ll probably fuck you even worse but nothing of death…..from what I hear.”

“Joanna is not going to die from this, is she?” Sheena said, “Sorry, I’m just too damn concerned about this!”
“Don’t worry.” MAK said, “Like any alcohol if consumed responsibly, she’ll need some rest but probably going to have one hell of a hangover.

“Let go, goatman!!!” Joanna said.
“Goatman?” MAK said.
“You’re planning to have me as one of your goat brides along with the other three girls!” she said. “I’m not a part of your harem! You will not stick your manhood inside my body!!!”
“What in the blue fuck?” MAK shouted, “OK, eventually, she’ll have to go to s–”
Suddenly, she jumps out of the room and tries to run off to the streets……but immediately passed out before she can start any havoc.

“Well…… least no bullshit happens.” MAK said.
“That’s good.” Kati said, “But y’all driving her home. I got to lock that stuff away.”



A few hours after recuperating, Joanna woke up with the nastiest hangover.
“Oww……my damn head.” Joanna said, “That fucking zombie. Oh my god…..Sheena? SHEENA!?”
“I’m here.” Sheena woke up.

“Babe…..what did I do last night?” Joanna said.
“Well, you drank that Zombie while you ingested some Blue Leaf version of Blue Curacao in there and acting crazy and shit.”

“Ooohhhh….” Joanna kept moaning,  “Did I do anything I regret?”
“No, not really.” Sheena said, “Although you called MAK ‘Goatman’ and said that he has a harem of girls.”
“But don’t you always joke about that to him?” Joanna said.
“Yeah but he always know we don’t mean it for real.” Sheena said. “You were just acting crazy under the influence of the Zombie.”

“But you said that the Blue Leaf stuff got me acting like this, not the Zombie.” Joanna said, “So that means…..”
“What?” Sheena said.
“I HANDLED THE ZOMBIE BETTER THAN YOU!”  Joanna said, “HA-HA!! I knew I can—OH……OK.” She then starts to have some stomach problems.
“I need to go to the bathroom. Right away.” Joanna quickly runs to the bathroom.
“I set up some newspaper in case vomiting and that other thing happened!!” Sheena screamed.
“I’M NOT A DOG, SHEENA!!! But thank you anyway.”


2017 KATANAPlus+. All Rights Reserved.

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