BATTLESHIP (or 100% Michael Bay-free; same Michael Bay taste) review

ORIGINAL DATE: May 18, 2012

Remember in my Chronicle review where I mentioned in the last paragraph that I think that Battleship, the newest movie from director Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights, Hancock, The Rundown), is going to look awful? Well, from the look of the trailers, it did look too stupid and so unnecessary for the big screen, especially when it’s based on a board game and just when we thought that Hollywood is running out of creative and original ideas. Well, some of that is true while most creative movie ideas do survive but this movie confirms that we are not trying anymore.

Anyway, the plot is basic and simple that a fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals.

Yeah, that’s it.

I hope you weren’t expecting a full plot analysis on this movie because the movie doesn’t fully do it by itself. Most of the time is just explosions and shit blowing up and there is also humor added to that or so I think considering some people at some scenes which I thought kind of sucked and that were very painfully humorless but at least the humor is nowhere near Michael Bay’s frat-boy and bottom of the barrel humor. They were some times where I chuckle at a few funny scenes (the genuine funny ones) and that’s barely it.

Now, the acting and character development in here is……..well, let’s be honest, I wasn’t expecting Oscar gold here on a movie called Battleship, especially when I look up the cast line-up: Taylor Kitsch, who was last seen in the butt monkey of his career, John Carter, plays Lt. Alex Hooper; the fan favorite of our times, Liam Neeson, plays Admiral Shane, Commander of the United States Pacific Fleet; Alexander Skarsgård, one of the only actors who I thought was decent in this movie and one person who plays a vampire right, plays Commander Stone Hooper (Alex’s brother); Brooklyn Decker, last seen in Just Go With It, What to Expect When You’re Expecting (surprisingly, also released the same day as this movie), and your wet dreams, plays Samantha Shane, a physical therapist and the admiral’s daughter. Rihanna, making her feature film debut, plays Cora Raikes, crew mate and weapons specialist.

That’s the main cast in a nutshell and is results are that Kitsch’s character is a douchebag at the beginning but as much when shit goes down, although I find his brother Stone more likable than he was. Liam Neeson was wasted in this movie. I know many people say this plenty of times but it looked like he really did not want to be there. Decker is added there for eye candy for the guys and since the other movie she’s in involves pregnancy and babies, guess where they are headed to. Rihanna is not awful but she’s not really that great of an actress but then again, most of the actors in the movie aren’t that great, either, but some of them are played by actual U.S. Navy Sailors and they aren’t really involved in the entertainment business so I understand that part, especially from Gregory D. Gadson, the amputee combat veteran (double amputee in real life) that Samantha is helping with his physical therapy.

Some side characters (the ones played by Jesse Plemons, another FNL alum alongside Kitsch; Hamish Linklater adding the “comedic” element playing the scientist) are getting less and less important the more I see them. Most of the action scenes were nothing new and can get really repetitive and monotonous once it keeps on going and going and going and so forth.

FINAL VERDICT: Did I expect this movie to be as bad as everybody said it would be? Yeah, but it didn’t get worse as I went along. It’s not as overbearing long as the Transformers movies and that’s one of the saving graces and a few action scenes were impressive but it’s still a very repetitive rinse-and-repeat mess of a movie that most casual audiences might see because that wouldn’t give a damn about the rest.

Well, Kitsch, you better hope that Savages do you some good because if not, then your 2012 is going to be your worst year…..ever.

Therefore, Battleship gets the score of

3/10 – Some ‘Ol Bullshit.

Oh, and I think as of now, this movie doesn’t have a leg to stand on at the box office.

And until then, I’m MAK2.0 aka HybridMedia, and you SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!


BATTLESHIP – courtesy of Universal Pictures.

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