Original Dates: December 28-29, 2011
Well, it is that time of year again. Many people, including you and me, have remembering the movies that they love this year and the ones they completely and utterly despised. But what about the ones that you expect to love, but you were let down when you saw the final product and were probably pissed off and this is that list. Well, this is my list of complete disappointments and yes, there is only 5 movies listed. Why five? Because I like to go five steps backwards….and I have not seen every movie in 2011 that I find disappointing and the same can be said about the upcoming Best & Worst lists I am planning on making. Whether these movies are good or bad, they can still be a disappointment with some degree with you.
CUE THEME SONG:
5. Battle: Los Angeles
When the trailer for this came out, people were at awe with how amazing it is and the special effects were mind-blowing, but people started to compare it with last year’s sci-fi dud, Skyline, especially since the directors of that movie also did some of the effects in B: LA. Was the movie like Skyline? No. It wasn’t horrible. It was just bland and dull all the way. It is mostly Call of Duty: The Movie with your average stock war movie characters. It feels like watching a long cut scene without pausing or skipping. It is not as bad as some people say it is, but it is not worth watching the whole thing for. You might as well say it is the Transformers live-action movie from the point of view of the soldiers and it’s still not about the Transformers.
4. Green Lantern
DC Comics is not having a good movie run unless Batman or Christopher Nolan is involved because remember that gem of a movie that was released last year? Yeah, I wasn’t really looking forward to this movie but I decided to check it out to see what the big fuss about it is. It is….meh, but an uncomfortable meh. Most of the time, I fell asleep until the Green Lantern actually appeared. Ryan Reynolds makes an OK Green Lantern, but I think I liked him better as Deadpool from X-Men Origins: Wolverine, even if that movie sucked and Reynolds isn’t exactly on good terms with comic-book movies in the past but he can improve. Blake Lively is………well, worse than January Jones in X-Men: First Class. The effects are too cartoonish even for a Green Lantern movie. In short, Green Lantern is not that movie that I would buy on Blu-ray.
3. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
This movie did have some spectacular action scenes and overall amazing effects………but the action only happens during the last 40 minutes of the movie. To get to those minutes, you have to endure some very unfunny frat boy bullshit humor, pointless plot line about Shia LaBeouf finding a job, but he isn’t dead broke, has a new piece of ass girlfriend, who is just there but more tolerable than Megan Fox, but the way she is introduced just tells you that she is mostly there for eye candy and that’s about it. It is better or worse than Revenge of The Fallen? It’s not better nor it is worse but it’s just really tasteless and all around the counter, spread thinly too much and the plot is barely present throughout the movie.
2. 30 Minutes or Less
I wanted to like this movie. I really did. I like Zombieland but this is not Zombieland. The premise and plot of the movie are very well executed despite its similarities toward the real events of that incident but it did not feel that funny. I’m starting to not give a damn about Danny McBride anymore and this isn’t the first time this year he really annoyed me. It’s either curse randomly, stupid gay joke, stupid penis joke, or doing random stupid shit. Jesse Eisenberg was fine, but that one line about Facebook was really not that subtle and he was just saying he was in The Social Network and that’s it. Aziz Ansari is mainly an Indian version of Chris Tucker. But the biggest disappointing fillet of film in 2011 belongs to one movie and only one movie and it basically tells you that you are a…….
1. Sucker Punch
I was so surprised (or not) when I heard it did awful at the box office, considering I happen to like Zack Snyder’s movies and was really psyched about it, but that was until I actually saw the movie and I felt something and it really bothered me. It was confusion. Just straight up confusion. Whenever she dances in front of people, she fights with dragons, Nazis, samurais, planes, trains & automobiles and yet we know most of that was just bullshit. The effects and music were great but the storyline was just out of line and out of place. The actresses, as lovely as they look, are not bringing their A-Game and I kind of feel sorry for most of these actresses, especially for Jamie Chung. No, really, check her film resume and you see why. Seriously, just wiki or IMDb her. Zack, as much as I like your movies, please don’t mess up Superman or let Chris Nolan help you out but hey, at least you aren’t Paul W.S. Anderson, that’s a plus.
And that is my top 5 disappointing movies of 2011.
But this isn’t over yet.
These movies I’m listing and recapping aren’t just disappointing…….they are GOD AWFUL!!!!! These are some of the most heinous and horrible films to be released in 2011 and yet this year in movies are better than last year but we still got shit to put up with. Now if you are wondering if The Smurfs, Jack & Jill, Bucky Larson, Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn & Spy Kids 4 would be on this list, well, you thought WRONG!!!!!
(But, MAK2.0 or HybridMedia or whatever the hell you named yourself, those films do suck!!!)
Yes, they do suck but I have not seen those movies nor will I plan to unless somehow they come on cable and that would be cheating. Instead, I am reviewing five or more movies that I have seen and was released this year. These are….well, I already told you but anyway……..CUE MY OTHER THEME SONG (yes, I have more than one theme song).
Honorable Mention: Priest
It’s “From the director of Legion.” Yeah, that tagline should tell you that this movie should be avoid at all costs. I have seen this movie and this is completely one of the most dull and idiotic movies of the year. Sure, the positives I can say for this are the opening animation done by Genndy Tartakovsky (Dexter’s Laboratory, Samurai Jack, and Sym-Bionic Titan) is visually amazing, if only the whole movie was like that. The vampire design just looks like something that would have come out of a 5-year-old’s drawings. Hell, the designs make me pine for the Twilight vampires………Wait, forget I said that. I never thought seeing Maggie Q kicking ass would bore me to death and I honestly like Maggie Q, although I stop watching Nikita in the middle of their second season and it may not last that long. But this movie is just bad.
5. Cars 2
How the glorious mighty have fallen down and yet this still gets an Golden Globe nominee for Animated Feature over Kung Fu Panda 2? This feels more like something from Fox Animation Studios, DreamWorks, or Warner Bros. but Pixar? Pixar Animation Studios made this? Was there any point of making Cars 2? The answer is No. The first one was a decent film with the lead character Lightning McQueen but he isn’t the focus of the film. It’s Mater, that comic relief character whose purpose was to sound more of a redneck than usual and having Larry the Cable Guy voicing him doesn’t help either. The spy angle for this just feels like something slapped on at the last minute, as in, that sweet storyline from the first one was thrown out of the window. Here’s the closing sentence: if you like Pixar movies, Cars, Bruce Campbell, and Michael Caine, you will hate this movie. Hopefully Pixar can straighten up in 2012.
4. The Roommate
I would say that the girl who plays the crazy roommate was a worst best friend to have but then I thought her other friend who gets drunk a lot and ditches her for some douchebag was the worst friend but then again, I thought, she just makes bad decisions too much. I saw it when I had a free preview of Starz (if only they show Tron: Legacy, I would have been happier) for Thanksgiving week and this movie is just stupid. That is all. It’s a very dumb movie and I have nothing else to say.
I judged many of the actors associated with Twilight and assume they would suck. I was a bit wrong. It’s not Kristen Stewart’s fault that Bella is a ungrateful little bitch and nor of Robert Pattinson’s portrayal of Edward, the freaky stalker and Anna Kendrick being the bitchy friend although she is more likable, but then again, she appeared in better movies than this. As for Taylor Lautner, he is just the male equivalent of Jessica Alba. Ladies love him, but the dude can’t act to save his life and Abduction proves it. John Singleton, why in the hell did you get involved with this? 2 Fast 2 Furious wasn’t that bad, just the right amount of bad. This movie is worse. The action is horrible, the suspense is too minimal and Lautner just bullshitted when he say that he feel like a freak. Him? A Freak? Unless in this movie, you transformed into a damn wannabe wolf, you are not a freak. Just involved in a lazy movie and Singleton, you, Zack Snyder, and Robert Rodriguez need to shape up your status as a film director, as in, make better projects or get someone to help you with it.
2. Your Highness
Pineapple Express. I love that movie and I don’t even get high. I laughed so hard on that movie but did I do the same thing on Your Highness? NOOOOOOOO!!!! This movie is putrid and unfunny as possible. It is just mostly dick jokes, gay jokes, Danny McBride cursing like a drunken sailor with a wooden leg and crabs and he really annoy me in this movie. I hated him in this movie and thinking that he would get with Natalie Portman? Fuck that, I rather have Ashton Kutcher bang her for all I care. But she did alright but the adorkable & adorable Zooey Deschanel was really wasted in her role and I think James Franco really gotten high during that movie. I don’t blame him. He can be funny unlike this movie but here’s a movie that is worse than this……..
People always complain about fat guys getting all the hot women. Why? Unless the guy is sleazy and kind of an asshole, I salute big men getting love from women of all different sizes and shapes. But this makes us look like simple morons who screams, mugs, and does a lot of Pratt falls for being funny. It is not funny. Kevin James, who never seems to bother me, has made the worst comedy film this year. He is being a zookeeper trying to win back his old flame who dumps his ass after he proposes to her and another girl, as in Rosario Dawson, falls for him? That never just happens to anybody and yet it must’ve happened to him since Kevin James’ real life wife makes an appearance in the movie. Yeah, Zookeeper is just not funny at all and just seems shallow. What about the animals in the movie? I wish the movie would focus more on that rather than Kevin James’ love problems.
IN OTHER WORDS, FUCK THIS MOVIE AND THE OTHER ONES.
And la-li-da-di, those are my worst top 5 (or more) list.
Now, what is left is my “Best of” list and hopefully, I can’t wait to start that.
Until then, I’m MAK2.0 aka HybridMedia, bringing all the elements in one format.
BATTLE: LOS ANGELES & 30 MINUTES OR LESS – courtesy of Columbia Pictures Industries, Inc.
GREEN LANTERN & SUCKER PUNCH – courtesy of Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc.
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON – courtesy of Paramount Pictures Corporation
PRIEST & THE ROOMMATE – courtesy of Screen Gems, Inc.
CARS 2 – courtesy of Disney/Pixar
ABDUCTION – courtesy of LionsGate
YOUR HIGHNESS – courtesy of Universal Pictures
ZOOKEEPER – courtesy of Columbia Pictures Industries, Inc. & Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures, Inc. (Zookeeper Prods.)
Until then, I’m MAK2.0 aka HybridMedia, bringing all the elements in one format.